Misunderstood.

I’m so understanding. Maybe too understanding.
To the point where I misunderstand myself.
Misunderstood.
I’ve hurt myself by telling myself it’s not them. It’s me.
But maybe it’s not me.
But when history continues to repeat itself,
How can I think otherwise?
No hurt feelings. No love lost. None gained either.
Just misunderstandings.
The ones that force an open mind to close.
Because these misunderstandings only lead to insurmountable confusion.
Confusion that causes me to shut out any possibilities of getting close.
Because closeness leads to pain. Irreparable pain.
No hurt feelings. No love lost. None gained either.
I’m so understanding. Maybe too understanding.
I’d rather be misunderstood.

-Angela Ayam

To Sum It Up...

My Plea.

This feeling...that feeling you get when you first meet that special someone. “Butterflies”…whatever that jittery feeling is. You don’t mind it, because it’s accompanied by that euphoric sensation and in some cases, a sense of security. When you feel that feeling when you’re with that person, you know you’re safe.
You enjoy that person’s company, the conversations you share, the text messages that make you laugh, make you miss them, or make your cheeks turn red. Using every inch of technology for all it’s worth: you’ve got all the numbers, email addresses, Facebook, Twitter AND Skype; anything to talk to them. In a weird way, they’ve become part of your schedule. When you don’t hear from them, the day seems slightly off.
But what happens when all this comes to a screeching halt?
And what happens when that person’s actions begin to piss you off to no avail? But you still get that feeling when you’re thinking about them. Phone calls, text messages, and even tweets serve as reminders of the weak spot you still possess. In cases such as this, the situation becomes all bad, seemingly unfair, and somewhat confusing.
I don’t know if anyone else is feeling/ has felt the way I do, but I can’t help but wonder what I did wrong. I mean, his end stopped without explanation as my feelings remained the same. How do I contain it? Why the hell did it happen in the first place?
Since this “connection we have cannot be explained,” does that mean we’ll leave it at that? Or am I to search for answers myself? In limbo…
After a Twitter conversation with my good friend Jalisa and using “missing pieces” as a metaphor for this strained friendship, it started making a little more sense. As she said:
“Pieces aren't missing...sometimes there are just too many or you have them turned the wrong way.”
With this conclusion, I’d like to stress the fact that I’m not mad at him, nor bitter about whatever went wrong in this friendship. Hurt, yes. Don’t know what factor flipped our pieces, but they’re definitely not fitting the way they used to. Wrecked puzzle.
It’s not even about making that next move, taking that next step. I’m over that, and I gave up on the idea of a relationship long ago. I didn’t think I asked for much, but maybe broken communication and possible misunderstandings on my part are what led to the wool being pulled over my eyes. I’m still unsure.
It would have been nice for things to work out, but everything happens for a reason. I know what I want though, and that is to go back to that brief Twitter conversation that started it all last October. I want that feeling I had after meeting for the first time in November. Even if getting a text every now and then or a brief Skype conversation means letting go of how I feel no matter how hard that may be. I’m willing to make that trade because, truthfully, I just want my friend back.
-Angela Ayam

Prisoner.

Old poem, written around Nov. 2008. Don't remember exactly what I was going through at this time but umm...definitely had something on my soul.


I am a prisoner…
Trapped in my own skin, not satisfied with what I have because it’s not enough for you
Why should I try so hard to please you when I only get less than half of what I invest?
But yet I alter myself, happy with the fact that I damage my image to make you look good.
I am a prisoner…
Who walks around like the world around me is all peaches and cream knowing it’s hell.
Allowing myself to be belittled to take away your insecurity but deep down inside it’s all I know as love.
Sad ain’t it?
To put myself in the position to be stepped on, not worthy of the praise that I deserve because of you…
Hell yes, I am a prisoner
Because I can’t see my beauty because of bitterness
Because I cry when I see myself in the mirror
Because you’ve led me to believe I’d never be wanted
Enslaved in what’s supposed to bring the best joy, being with my soul mate…
Yet…
I’ve allowed myself to become this prisoner, tortured mentally by my own thoughts and verbally by your words
Dying slowly from lethally injecting myself with negativity
No longer in control of my own destiny, but letting you take the wheel and steer me down the path of destruction
So I stay
Because it’s love
Your “girl”
Your slave
Your prisoner

-Angela Ayam

Four-Letter Words.

So it starts out lovely, you can’t help but to be bubbly every time he… is…near
Sweet kisses are placed, presents are given, cute games of seeing how long a conversation can be maintained in one night
Laughing like a child because he said hang up, but he wouldn’t hang up until you hung up, but you didn’t hang up..now y’all share a sweet laugh and hang up at the same time.
Yeah, y’all remember those days.
The days rolled into months, months into years and that different level of maturity sets in…
No longer does he have the demeanor of a child but is now devoted to treating his “main squeeze”, his girl, like the queen she is.
No longer playing those childish games but wanting to be respected as the king he is…
He’s deep in that four-letter word, ya’ll
He’s in….LOVE

So it starts out lovely, you can’t help but to be bubbly every time he…is…near
Holding hands…and making plans…because it’s all figured out.
Telling your girls the wedding plans in advance because you just know it’s gonna last forever
“He loves me girl, he tells me every day”
Ignore the haters when they come around because they only want what you got…that’s the story of your life
Then…that special holiday rolls around now
You know, the one that has been so commercialized to the point where the history has been ignored
Young men now martyrs…their agony and pain somehow turned into a good thing where it represents…love
So he buys and buys making sure his baby is taken care of…..go out…have fun…that four letter word flying high in the air sprinkling itself on all couples creating that state of ecstasy that only one can feel when they… are loved
So she gives him what she thinks he’ll like
He gives a smile but anyone noticing can tell he’s expecting more.
He’ll get lucky….take that four letter word…multiply it by two…giving him the eight he’s been longing for
He wants to…MAKE LOVE…

So it started out lovely, you couldn’t help to be bubbly every time he WAS..near
But it seemed like years have passed since then and he’s doing a great job playing the invisible man
You sit there wishin’ this was one of those childhood games…Hide ‘N Seek maybe…only this is real life and he’s been hiding but seeking has been a game in itself....continuous
You think about that night where that four-letter word gave into two sets of four-letter words which in turn created another four-letter word you didn’t expect…A-I-D-S
You cry from the stupidity of not having your own mind and being manipulated by that sweet four-letter word.
Those few minutes of pleasure caused a lifetime of pain to which you cannot explain how or why you allowed this to happen.
You let it build and build the thought of him creates another four-letter word….FIRE..inside
Giving you thoughts of taking that fire that’s burning inside from hurt and betrayal and throwing it into his window in the form of a Molotov cocktail
You sit alone, thinking of the four-letter word that he left inside which only creates another four-letter which cancels out all others…
HATE….be careful with those four-letter words.

New Reason To Smile.

Torn. (Hypothetically speaking)

| Random Rant |
| Placing myself in this situation always makes it easier... |

So there's this guy, we'll just call him Guy for now. Chemistry is crazy between us. If we're not texting, I'm thinking about him. When I'm thinking about him, he'll call or text. We have this understanding that we'll take it slow, and I can respect that. I do respect that. Feelings are flying high. I'm positive about everything I'm feeling, seemingly inseparable when...
This other guy, who I'll just name Other Guy, comes along. Smooth, intelligent, no nonsense demeanor. {Ya know, that type of personality that puts you in deep thought while trying to figure out what makes him so attractive in the first place.} Not only attracted to the physical, but he's cut from a different cloth so you need a better understanding of him in order for it to all make sense...following? At least try.
So he comes in and follows the cliché of "sweeping me off my feet", only on a smaller scale. Instantly clicked. Able to laugh and talk like we've known each other for years when it's only been a little over a month. Everything seems so right about him, but there's no need to rush until...
A moment shared between me and Other Guy makes me question myself and the situation as a whole. There is no logical explanation for me feeling the way I do, so now, I've hit a brick wall. Were the feelings for Guy as strong as I thought they were in the first place? Or had I lost sight of what I thought was real, and mistaked it for something else? Not saying feelings for Other Guy have all of a sudden blossomed, that'd be crazy. But the possibility of him growing on me isn't just a figment of my imagination. Hope I'm not confusing you, dear reader.
But...
That's where we are now. Still standing behind a door, not knowing what's on the other side. Not knowing where to turn, who to ask, how to separate the real from my own interpretation of the situation..not knowing how to feel. Scary.

-Angela Ayam