Four-Letter Words.

So it starts out lovely, you can’t help but to be bubbly every time he… is…near
Sweet kisses are placed, presents are given, cute games of seeing how long a conversation can be maintained in one night
Laughing like a child because he said hang up, but he wouldn’t hang up until you hung up, but you didn’t hang up..now y’all share a sweet laugh and hang up at the same time.
Yeah, y’all remember those days.
The days rolled into months, months into years and that different level of maturity sets in…
No longer does he have the demeanor of a child but is now devoted to treating his “main squeeze”, his girl, like the queen she is.
No longer playing those childish games but wanting to be respected as the king he is…
He’s deep in that four-letter word, ya’ll
He’s in….LOVE

So it starts out lovely, you can’t help but to be bubbly every time he…is…near
Holding hands…and making plans…because it’s all figured out.
Telling your girls the wedding plans in advance because you just know it’s gonna last forever
“He loves me girl, he tells me every day”
Ignore the haters when they come around because they only want what you got…that’s the story of your life
Then…that special holiday rolls around now
You know, the one that has been so commercialized to the point where the history has been ignored
Young men now martyrs…their agony and pain somehow turned into a good thing where it represents…love
So he buys and buys making sure his baby is taken care of…..go out…have fun…that four letter word flying high in the air sprinkling itself on all couples creating that state of ecstasy that only one can feel when they… are loved
So she gives him what she thinks he’ll like
He gives a smile but anyone noticing can tell he’s expecting more.
He’ll get lucky….take that four letter word…multiply it by two…giving him the eight he’s been longing for
He wants to…MAKE LOVE…

So it started out lovely, you couldn’t help to be bubbly every time he WAS..near
But it seemed like years have passed since then and he’s doing a great job playing the invisible man
You sit there wishin’ this was one of those childhood games…Hide ‘N Seek maybe…only this is real life and he’s been hiding but seeking has been a game in itself....continuous
You think about that night where that four-letter word gave into two sets of four-letter words which in turn created another four-letter word you didn’t expect…A-I-D-S
You cry from the stupidity of not having your own mind and being manipulated by that sweet four-letter word.
Those few minutes of pleasure caused a lifetime of pain to which you cannot explain how or why you allowed this to happen.
You let it build and build the thought of him creates another four-letter word….FIRE..inside
Giving you thoughts of taking that fire that’s burning inside from hurt and betrayal and throwing it into his window in the form of a Molotov cocktail
You sit alone, thinking of the four-letter word that he left inside which only creates another four-letter which cancels out all others…
HATE….be careful with those four-letter words.

New Reason To Smile.

Torn. (Hypothetically speaking)

| Random Rant |
| Placing myself in this situation always makes it easier... |

So there's this guy, we'll just call him Guy for now. Chemistry is crazy between us. If we're not texting, I'm thinking about him. When I'm thinking about him, he'll call or text. We have this understanding that we'll take it slow, and I can respect that. I do respect that. Feelings are flying high. I'm positive about everything I'm feeling, seemingly inseparable when...
This other guy, who I'll just name Other Guy, comes along. Smooth, intelligent, no nonsense demeanor. {Ya know, that type of personality that puts you in deep thought while trying to figure out what makes him so attractive in the first place.} Not only attracted to the physical, but he's cut from a different cloth so you need a better understanding of him in order for it to all make sense...following? At least try.
So he comes in and follows the cliché of "sweeping me off my feet", only on a smaller scale. Instantly clicked. Able to laugh and talk like we've known each other for years when it's only been a little over a month. Everything seems so right about him, but there's no need to rush until...
A moment shared between me and Other Guy makes me question myself and the situation as a whole. There is no logical explanation for me feeling the way I do, so now, I've hit a brick wall. Were the feelings for Guy as strong as I thought they were in the first place? Or had I lost sight of what I thought was real, and mistaked it for something else? Not saying feelings for Other Guy have all of a sudden blossomed, that'd be crazy. But the possibility of him growing on me isn't just a figment of my imagination. Hope I'm not confusing you, dear reader.
But...
That's where we are now. Still standing behind a door, not knowing what's on the other side. Not knowing where to turn, who to ask, how to separate the real from my own interpretation of the situation..not knowing how to feel. Scary.

-Angela Ayam

"Never Again", Once More.

"Never again" is what I once said before
New day, new time but still it's "never again" once more
I allowed myself to fall with no problem, solely based on who I thought you were, my perception of you which has been replaced by a mirage of only my feelings
I allowed myself to fall because I wanted to...
Wanted to take that chance on something new
Swore I’d change my train of thought because of you
In my mind, I knew that it was something special about you because the conversation
Was more than that of the usual…
But
You knew what I wanted to hear, so you said it.
You knew how I felt but denied me and refused to feel it too
I should have picked it up and caught the signs
Instead
I increased this liking for you instead of
Letting it go
Letting it fade
Letting it die…
Months of going through this
Waiting …
Months to know my answer
Back at square one: and still I say
“Never again”, once more

*Side note: It's a constant battle. Struggling with the same dudes, different faces. Same game, different name. Refuse to do it again.

-Angela Ayam

My Question.

The question that has bugged me over and over today: is it possible to love two people the same? Or will the love for one person eventually cancel out any love felt for the other? My question still goes unanswered.
-Angela Ayam

Falling.

I've never been one to neglect my feelings for a long time. They would always be there, and ultimately grow stronger. This time is exactly the same, yet differs from the last time. I fell hard, unusually hard for someone I'm still in the process of getting to know. Thinking back on all the times I could have talked to him in the past, my inability to speak when he was near left me with some form of paralysis; mentally...physically. I was done, at least I thought I was. The concept of "out of sight, out of mind" stood firm until we met again. Weeks later, I'm still falling. Very capable of catching myself before I fall too hard, but oddly enough, not wanting to. I don't fear being myself in this situation as I had with all the others. Seemingly making myself a more open-minded being, perhaps these feelings would be the
ones I'm willing to take a chance on. I'm very much aware of all signs and symptoms; the pain of "what ifs" that constantly linger; stating the obvious only makes the curiosity grow stronger...
I've been afraid before. Afraid to give my feelings a chance because...I never had reason to; or more along the lines of I never had a good reason. Now I do, because the insecurities I've felt long before these feelings are now gone & shall never return. I'm willing to admit, I'm falling hard. We'll see how this story unfolds.
-Angela Ayam

Only Friends.

Wouldn’t want to make it obvious because it would be messed up
But I get that same feeling at the sense of your touch
Can’t feel this way, fighting this feeling for years because…you’re just a friend
And only friends were we meant to be.
See…
It’s been this way for a while now
I appreciate that time we spend, those special minutes of only five or ten
Maybe hours, maybe days but the fact of the matter is.
They’re all special.
Special in a sense that our emotions run deeper, hidden and soon I realize that I just…
Can’t feel this way, fighting this feeling for years because…you’re just a friend
And only friends were we meant to be.
But...
What if I wanted to break the rules?
Get around you and lose my cool?
Express how I feel because I know it’s real and in turn you feel exactly how I feel.
Becoming one and not caring that I…I
Can’t feel this way, fighting this feeling for years because…

-Angela Ayam

Stranger.

Hello, Stranger

One who captivates my mind with intellect while wearing a smile that is bright, and brown eyes that gleam brighter

Different from the others

One who stands out

We know each other

Yet we’re completely unfamiliar…

Hello, Stranger

One whose path I cross from time to time, glancing silently in admiration and awe

Of the person I think you are

But more along the lines of the stranger I do not know

Yet afraid to utter a word

Because the most simple gesture coming from his way gives instant chills

So, time moves on while I stand still.

Questions racing through my mind about this man:

Who is he?

What does he really stand for?

Why am I so curious to know?

So…

I patiently wait

And long for a day where we’ll meet

Introduce ourselves

Talk amongst others who share our same dreams and aspirations

Perhaps we’ll have things in common

Maybe we won’t

But there will be no more guessing

Mystery solved

I will finally meet my Stranger…

-Angela Ayam

Welcome

Some may see it as a cold, dark world but through these eyes the darkest places have a gleam of light that leads to a horizon filled with dreams and aspirations. They say not all that glitters is gold and the grass ain’t greener on the other side but in my world, it always is. I tend to look from that spectrum, always on the outside looking in and realizing outside is where I belong. Why? Because finding my own person and truly being me is a necessity. I’m one that believes everything happens and is meant to be for a specific reason. Some may see me as a simple being, or as complex as they come…I’d like to keep it that way. Angela Ayam. Welcome to my blog ;-)